And Now for Something Completely Sueish
by AidanHalfelven
Summary: Uh oh, they're coming. They're going to take over. What's the Trio going to do? What can they do? Is that evil music I hear? Why, yes, it is! NO! Will the canon characters make it out okay or will they live forever as slaves to the Sues?
1. Like, Duh!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or Monty Python.

**This story contains OOC-ness, canon rape, and, of course, Mary Sues. Viewer Excretion… erm… I mean **_**Discretion**_** Advised.**

**Chapter One: Like Duh!**

So it was a relatively normal day in the lives of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley. Normal, except for the fact that they were set to return to Hogwarts in a few hours. Over the summer, some time between Scrimgeour's Great Fall (down a flight of ginormous stairs) and the revelation of the Rotfang Conspiracy, Lord Voldemort disappeared into thin air. The theory was that he was sucked into time vortex. In fact, most people believed it to be a fact, although, the only person who could tell them was Voldemort and since he was nowhere to be found, that would be unlikely.

Anyway, the effects of Voldemort being sucked into a time vortex were instantaneous. People who were thought to be dead, were found hiding in a really gross and disgusting factory twelve miles east of London. People who were doing Voldemort's bidding came back to the right side and the entire world was flipped upside down… literally. The United Kingdom now sat below the Equator, meaning it was the end of winter and the beginning of spring as the train rolled through the wild forestland. At least the scenery was still the same.

"So we have summer holidays during the winter now?" Ron asked, as he stared with a nervous look on his face at Hermione who was reading a thick, heavy book.

"Yes, Ron," she replied, not looking up from her thick and heavy book. "But it doesn't matter to _us_. This is our last year at Hogwarts, remember?"

"Oh… right." he took about ten pumpkin pasties from the pile and stuffed them in his mouth, swallowing them whole. "All right, Harry?" he asked, as he picked up a mountain of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

"Of course I am," Harry replied. "Why wouldn't I be? It's a glorious world! I don't even care that up is down and down is up or whatever! Did you _see_ who I was talking to yesterday? _Sirius!_"

"_Ron_!" Hermione exclaimed.

Ron and Harry both jumped and cowered in the corner of the compartment.

"As Head Boy and Head Girl we have to patrol the corridors!" She stood up, pulled him from out of the corner and dragged him out of the compartment.

_Poor Ron_, Harry thought, as he ate a Chocolate Frog.

"Anyone sitting here?" Asked a voice, Harry didn't recognize. "Good."

He looked up and was staring into the face of one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She had long, flowing, raven black hair and sparkling green eyes. She was stunning, to say the least. Thin, but with "curves in all the right places." You know the type, perfect… yeah, that's what I'm talking about. She was wearing a short denim skirt with a pink and light blue stripped halter-top, despite the fact that it was freezing outside. She was tan, too, oh so very tan.

"Er… hi," Harry said, wiping drool from his chin.

"Hi!" She exclaimed, all perky and stuff. "I'm Henrietta Maria Solvina Popenia Tortilla! I'm like totally an exchange student from America! I'm like coming to Hogwarts, because like… erm… I dunno." She giggled and then flashed Harry her beautiful smile. Her teeth were perfect; all white and shiny; not too big, but not too small.

"That's – that's cool," he said. "You can sit here if you want to."

"Oh, Em Gee! I would _love_ to!" She sat and crossed one long leg over the other. "So, like, what's your name?"

"H–Harry Potter," he replied. He couldn't help but to stare at those legs.

"Like _no really_?! You're totally in all of those books and junk!"

"Yeah… sure."

Just then, the compartment door opened again and two more girls walked through. They were both insanely beautiful. His jaw dropped, he couldn't help it.

The girl leading the other in had long blonde hair, like a waterfall of golden sunlight, cascading down her back. Her eyes were bright blue like the sky, only brighter, and her skin looked as smooth as a baby's bottom. She, too, was tall, thin, and had "curves in all the right places." She appeared to be the epitome of gorgeousness. She was wearing a tight, little pink, floral sundress with flip-flop sandals. How the girls didn't freeze to death was beyond him.

The girl behind her, was actually trying to hide, but Harry couldn't figure out why. She was just as stunning as the other girls, but in a different way. She, like Henrietta, had long ebony hair, but it was streaked with red and purple and the ends were electric blue. She was wearing a lot of black makeup, which made her pale skin glow. Her eyes were violet (Harry briefly wondered how that was possible) and her expression was solemn or angry, he couldn't tell. She was wearing a black mini skirt, combat boots, and a ripped up tight tee shirt.

"Hi!" Said the blonde-haired girl. "I'm Daffodil Butterfly Seamstress Lockjaw Hippie Rousseau! My mum and I moved here from France. I used to go to Beauxbatons, but now I'm going to Hogwarts. I'm really excited. My mum's English, so that's why I have an English accent… in case you were wondering." She flashed a huge grin at Harry who was having a hard time trying not to stare so much.

"This is my friend Raven Schizophrenia Moonlight Mosquito Enigma Depression Riddle," Daffodil continued, gesturing to the girl behind her.

"Riddle?" Harry repeated, looking at Raven with interest.

"Yes, Riddle. Do you have a problem with that?" Raven replied, glaring at him, but instead of making her seem mean, her look only made her more beautiful.

"It's just an interesting surname, that's all," Harry said. He didn't want to make her upset.

Raven stuck her middle finger up at Harry and then sat down next to Henrietta. Daffodil sat next to Harry.

"Why did you do that?" Harry asked Raven.

"Do what?" Raven replied. "I didn't do anything."

"You stuck your middle finger up at me. That's something."

"Oh, that's just Raven's way of saying hello," Daffodil explained. "It's quite common at Durmstrang. She went there for six years before moving here."

"Oh… I didn't know that," Harry said.

"Well, now you do," Raven said with more anger than the situation warranted.

"Like, _anyway_," Henrietta interjected. "Let's totally talk about our backgrounds! I'll tell you mine first, okay? Well," she rolled her eyes up as though she was thinking, "I was like adopted and raised by two people who like are totally mean! They beat me _all the time_! And I was raped! Like, _how_ can people do such a thing!? I mean, _Oh, Em Gee!_ I know I'm like totally hawt, but _come on_! That's just, like, _sick_!"

Raven and Daffodil were looking at her with concern and understanding in their faces. Harry just stared, because he wanted to touch those legs….

"I know how you feel," Raven said, darkly. "I was raised knowing the awful truth that I can't reveal as it is the cause of so much of my dark misery and angst."  
There was an awful silence between them. Harry didn't know what to say. He looked at Daffodil who appeared to be having a conversation with Raven using various eye movements.

"That's hawt," Henrietta said. She flicked her long, raven black hair out of her face.

The compartment door opened again and in walked Ron and Hermione, both of whom seemed completely oblivious to the three girls now sitting in their seats.

"Ron, you can't call the First Years leprechauns, even if they _are _small and handing out gold!" Hermione exclaimed.

"What else am I supposed to call them, Hermione?" Ron hollered back.

"I don't know, Ron, how about _First Years_?"

"Like… HI!" Henrietta exclaimed, looking between the two bickering friends.

"Uh… who the hell are you?" Hermione retorted.

The girl took a deep breath. "I'm Henrietta Maria Solvina Popenia Tortilla!" She exclaimed excitedly. She pointed to the blonde. "And this is Daffodil Butterfly Seamstress Lockjaw Hippie Rousseau! The other girl is Raven Schizophrenia Moonlight Mosquito Enigma Depression Riddle! Like… who are you?"

"Hermione Granger," she answered. She looked like she just ate lemon. Mmm… lemons….

"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron said. He shook hands with all three of them and then wiped drool off his chin.

"I can't wait to start our classes!" Daffodil said. "I was the top of my year at Beauxbatons."

"Oh, Em Gee!" Henrietta shouted, looking like she was close to a heart attack. "I was at the top of my year, too! I went to The American School for Really Weird People."

"That makes me wonder what other kind of idiots you went to school with," Hermione mumbled.

Henrietta cocked her head to the side as though she was confused, but looking so incredibly sexy and innocent as she did so. Raven, on the other hand, shot up from her seat.

"How _dare_ you say that about Henrietta?" She whispered, vehemently.

"Uh… have you _heard_ the way she speaks?" Hermione retorted, not looking perturbed in any way.

"Do you think you're smarter than her?"

"Yes. I know I am. I'm the top of my year, too."

"I'm _so_ sure you are, little miss perfect!"

"It's Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong, actually," Hermione replied. "And I'll take your seat, thanks."

"That's hawt," Henrietta said. She reached into her bag and pulled out three little things that looked like rats with big ears and short little tails.

"What are those things?" Ron asked, still drooling.

"Like, duh! They're Chihuahuas. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. They're cute, aren't they?" She replied, petting them.

"No. They look like little rats with big ears and short little tails," Hermione answered in disgust.

"_Whatever!_ You're just jealous 'cause _you_ can't have three adorable cute puppies!" Henrietta retorted.

"No, I'm not. I have a cat. His name's Crookshanks and he's bigger than all three of those things put together…. Anyway, we better change we'll be there soon."

"Change?" Raven repeated. "_We_ don't change for anybody."

"Into your school robes, moron," Hermione answered.

"Hermione, can you give it a rest?" Harry said. "They're new and, you know, nervous and stuff."

"Yeah, Hermione lay off them," Ron agreed.

"Well, we don't change our clothes, either," Raven continued. "In case you haven't noticed, the rules don't apply to us. _Ever_. So don't try to change us, okay?"

Hermione raised her eyebrows and said, "Fine, but get out so we can change."

"They can stay, Hermione," Ron replied, at once.

"Yeah, we _want_ to stay," Daffodil said. In unison, all three girls looked at Harry and Ron. They licked their lips in slow motion with equally seductive looks on their faces. Harry and Ron's faces went slack and their tongues rolled out of their mouths.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Hermione screeched, causing Hedwig and Pigwidgeon to hoot at each other, trying to figure out what made that sound. "Harry! Ron! Put your tongues back in your mouths and you lot! Stop doing that to them! Don't you know how impressionable teenaged boys are?"

"Duh. That's totally why we do it!" Henrietta exclaimed all cheerful and stuff.

"Well, stop it! We're here anyway."

As quick as they could Harry, Ron, and Hermione changed into their school robes. Then Hermione and Ron left the compartment to try to manage the unruly chaos.

"Come on girls," Harry said. "Let's go find a carriage. Together."

"All right!" Daffodil replied.

"Like _totally_!" Henrietta exclaimed.

So they took their luggage and left the train. As they walked toward the Thestral pulled carriages, Raven stuck her middle finger up at everyone. Most people were offended, because they had no idea that it meant "hello" at Durmstrang.

Harry spotted the dirty blonde hair of Luna Lovegood and made to turn the other way, but she spotted him and scampered up to him, running over several first years in the process.

"Hi, Harry," she said breathlessly. She stared wide-eyed at the three girls behind him. Raven put her middle finger up at Luna, Daffodil smiled politely, and Henrietta snapped her gum, looking insolent. "Oh no…," Luna muttered.

"What is it, Luna?" Harry asked, figuring it would be something that proved to him that Luna belonged in an insane asylum.

"It's… it's…," she stuttered.

"Monty Python's Flying Circus?" Harry asked, shrugging and shaking his head.

"No… it's… they're…. Dear, God! I have to go, Harry. Bye!" With that, she ran away. Harry saw her throw a frightened look over her shoulder at Harry and his new friends. Feeling more confused than ever, he got into one of the carriages to be taken up to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.


	2. Out With the Old, In With the New

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed!

* * *

**Chapter Two: Out With the Old, In With the New**

Draco Malfoy sat at the Slytherin table with his Slytherin-y comrades. Crabbe and Goyle were currently engrossed in a conversation concerning the liberation and freedom of some third world country. Draco didn't care about any third world country. He picked up his teaspoon and looked at his swanky reflection. His sleek, blond hair and gray eyes. _Damn, I'm beautiful_, he thought, while making kissy faces at his reflection.

"Wow," said Blaise who was sitting beside him. "Who are those birds?"

Draco tore his eyes off his reflection and looked up at the line of stupid First Years waiting to be sorted. Standing at the front of the line were three of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. He quickly put his spoon down and adjusted his robes. He looked around the Great Hall noticing that nearly every bloke was giving his undivided attention to the three girls.

Professor Dumbledore (Or Professor Dimwit, as Draco liked to call him) stood up and stared out at the vast sea of students. "Welcome!" He shouted, his voice magnified ten times its normal volume. "We have three new students this year! They're in their seventh year and they'll be sorted into Houses before the First Years are sorted. Minnie… er, I mean, _Professor McGonagall_, please bring the one-legged stool and Sorting Hat into the Great Hall!"

The door to one of the side chambers opened and out walked a cross and sullen woman. She placed the one-legged stool in front of the line of First Years where is promptly fell over. She picked it up and it fell over again. It happened another ten times before one of the new girls (the blonde one) had the idea to conjure another leg.

Professor McGonagall (Draco liked to call her Professor McGoogle) unrolled a scroll of parchment. "When I call your names, you will come up here and the Sorting Hat will be placed on your heads and it will read your thoughts and see into your brains, kind of intrusive, really, but it's all very necessary, I guarantee you that, and it will choose a House for you!" She cleared her throat. "Riddle, Raven!" She shouted.

One of the three girls came sulking out of the crowd. Draco was immediately in love with her. He caught his reflection is the side of Goyle's bowl and was over her.

"Slytherin!" The Hat shouted.

Draco, who was still staring at himself, clapped less than his other Slytherin-y comrades did.

"Welcome to Slytherin," Blaise said the girl.

"Um… sure," she replied. She looked at Draco who finally tore himself away from his mirror image (bowl image?) and put her middle finger up at him.

"What the-- who the hell do you think you are?" He said.

"Oh, that means 'hello' at Durmstrang," Raven replied.

"Oh… well then." He stuck his middle finger up at her as did everyone else around her. She did the same to them.

"Rousseau, Daffodil!" Professor McGonagall shouted.

The blonde girl, who had conjured the extra leg on the stool, now sat on it with the Sorting Hat on her head. After a little while, the Hat shouted, "Gryffindor!"

"Figures," Goyle muttered, rolling his eyes. "They always get the babes."

"We have babes here too, Greg!" Crabbe retorted as he tried to catch the eye of Millicent Bulstrode.

Millicent ignored him, as usual.

"Tortilla, Henrietta!" McGonagall called.

The third new girl took her place on the stool. She looked all perky and stuff and Draco resumed gazing at himself in the side of Goyle's bowl. He moved his eyebrows up and down as the hat shouted "Gryffindor!"

"Told you they get all the babes," Goyle muttered.

"Like, duh!" The girl called Henrietta exclaimed as she tore the hat off her head and sat with her new housemates.

The First Years were sorted, but no one cared about them.

"So, Raven," Blaise said as food magically appeared in front of them, "Wanna snog?"

"Excuse me?" Raven replied.

"I said, wanna snog? I didn't stutter, did I? I mean, if I did, I apologize. I've been working on it you know. I can't help it if I have a speech impediment! God, you people are so mean!"

"Right, so Draco," she said, in a very sexy tone, "I just _love_ blond men."

"So do I," Draco replied, with an equally sexy tone. "Just one question, though…. How'd you know my name?"

"You're wearing a nametag," she answered, now giving him tantalizing looks.

Draco looked down at his robes and saw that he was, indeed, wearing a nametag. It read, _Hello, My name is Draco_. He snorted and looked back at her. "You're right," he said. He was trying to sound sexy, because she was just so damn beautiful and he, of course, wanted to impress her.

"I'm always right. It's been the bane of my poor, pitiful existence." She gave him the 'puppy-dog eyes' and pouted.

"There, there," he cooed. "You're all right with me. I'll protect you from everything that tries to harm you."

"I love you, Draco."

"I love you, Raven."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, before catapulting themselves across the table at each other and doing things that normally would have both of them expelled, but since this isn't a normal story, no one cared that two seventh year Slytherins were practically screwing each other on the table.

Professor Snape didn't even bat an eyelash at them. That could have been because his eyelashes were permanently blasted off in a horrendous potions accident, but then again, maybe not.

After the food had disappeared, Dumbledore stood up in front of the students again. He reminded them that the forest was out-of-bounds and all of that stuff that I can't be fussed with writing. Anyway, he turned to the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and said, "I'd like you to welcome in the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Tallulah Bell!"

A tall, stately woman rose from her seat and waved to the crowd. She had long red hair that was the color of congealed blood, but it wasn't disgusting; it was beautiful. Her eyes sparkled like two sapphires and her skin was the palest of pale. She clearly wasn't a normal woman, because normal women would look sickly if their skin was that pale, but hers complemented her nicely.

Draco heard Blaise wolf-whistle, but he was too busy trying to unlatch Raven's bra to look at whom he was whistling at.

"I'd also like to say that our very own Potions Master," Dumbledore continued, "Has very graciously opened a daycare center for those of you who are too stupid to use condoms. It's called Professor Snape's Sunnyside Salon and Daycare Center. That's right! Now you can get a makeover _and_ pay some slimy, greasy git to watch your children! Hurry, before all the spots are taken, though! The prices are half-off for those of you who apply before the end of the first week!"

Draco looked around at all of the delighted teenaged parents. Hogwarts, for some reason, had in influx of them over the past year. Raven pushed his head so that he was looking only at her and they continued to do… erm… _it_.

"In other news," Dumbledore went on, "The usual rules will not apply this year, except for the Forest one, because if I would say that rule didn't apply I would be a hypocrite and no one likes a hypocrite, do they? Anyway, feel free to skip classes, pull pranks on the professors, wear what ever you want, and experiment with people of the opposite gender… or the same gender, if that's what floats your boat. Hell! Go ahead and snog the giant squid! I'm not going to stop you!

"And now I say good-night and sweet dreams, kiddies!"

Draco and Raven finished what they were doing and walked to the Slytherin Common Room alone and, of course, holding hands. They walked past several other people who were taking advantage of the 'Go ahead and experiment' rule, including Mr. Filch who was snogging Mrs. Norris.

They entered the Common Room and were immediately mobbed by everyone in Slytherin.

"_Oh my God, Draco!_" Pansy screamed. She glared at them. "How could you do that in front of everyone?"

"Well, Pansy," Draco said in a dignified manner, "I'm hot, she's hot. So what's the problem?"

"What about _us_, Draco?" Pansy asked, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Shut it, Parkinson," Blaise said, before turning to his friend. "How was it, Draco?"

"You were there, Blaise," Draco answered.

"I reckon this year is going to be _insane_," Crabbe muttered to Goyle who nodded in agreement.

"Whatever," Raven said, rolling her eyes. "Let's go up to your room, Draco. I can teach you all about cutting."

"All about _what_?" Blaise asked, looking confused.

"Cutting," Raven replied.

"Okay, that's what I thought you said, but I wasn't too sure. I'm hard of hearing, you know," Blaise said.

Draco and Raven linked hands again and made their way to the seventh year boys' dormitory.

Pansy glared and glared some more.

* * *

And now for a sneak peek of chapter three of "And Now for Something Sueish". Mostly dialogue, but you know:

"Put some clothes on and everything will be okay!"  
"Like, that's _totally_ hawt!"  
"That's the new trend, right? I _always_ follow trends!"

"I seem to have broken my hip…."

"All you need are some highlights and you'll look _FABULOUS_!"

Stay tuned for the next installment of: **AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY SUEISH!**


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